“So it was not you who sent me here, but God…”

Genesis 45:8, ESV

Sold into slavery by his own brothers, who moments before had plotted to murder him, thrown into prison by a false accusation, and forgotten by those he helped… Joseph’s faith was hard fought.

Joseph’s journey to fulfill the dream the Lord gave him wasn’t a painless path with neon signs and clean promotions—it was pits, slavery, and prison cells. His faithfulness to God wasn’t a story of bright victory, but hard-fought perseverance in the face of unjust and unfair odds.

My story, and many other stories, start the desert season without an understanding of the why—or what’s coming.

I recall when I entered my valley season. The most poignant feeling I remember was the desperation of hearing people say it wouldn’t last long… but knowing that men like Job and Joseph sat in pits for days… years.

I waited each day for the Lord to step in—I was so sure He would—only for the circumstance to seem to worsen.

In my Bible, Psalm 37 is covered in notes, highlights, and pictures:

“Fret not yourself because of evildoers…for they will soon fade like the grass.” (2)

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.” (5)

“I have been young, and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken.” (25)

“For the Lord loves justice; He will not forsake His saints…” (28)

Scripture after scripture of promise—and I waited with assurance that it would be.

But the season dragged on, and the evil seemed to prosper. The wicked drew their swords, but the sword didn’t enter their own hearts.

As I have said before, the season ended with the loss of something I treasured. The wreckage was broken relationships from the confusion of loss, not getting to walk alongside those whom I dearly loved, and being unable to fight back against the ugliness of rumors.  

“Though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” (24).

I fell. A free fall into the unknown of a future that wasn’t where I thought the Lord was leading me.

The vision, the purpose, the work of my heart smoldered and yet, I wasn’t cast headlong.

The Lord caught me. It wasn’t the place I wanted to land.

My story isn’t Joseph’s- I didn’t start with his dream, and I don’t have his hindsight.

But I know God is using that season.

I would love to be able to confidently say that I walked in the hard before the Lord perfectly.

But I wrestled.

I ached.

I questioned.

The Lord humbled me.

He held me accountable.

He didn’t give me the answers.

I can’t undo what happened, but I know that the Lord has a purpose for me here.

And I am okay with not understanding it all yet.